Anxiety and Sensitive Boys: Stop Asking them to Toughen Up.
I don’t remember boys ever crying when I was in school. I’m sure they did, but I don’t recall it. My Dad cried when my Gram passed and it was fierce and then it was gone. My Uncle Scott poured out his soul at her funeral and I thought I would rip apart from the emotion of it. Boys crying, men sobbing, is just something that I am not used too.
Imagine my surprise, when, I brought a highly sensitive kid into this world. An empath just like myself. A boy who notices when people have sad eyes and when I am not myself. A good trait. You might say. A boy that will be a great man and your daughter can feel safe to be around. A guy who won’t leave his buddy puking by the side of the road after a bad night of drinking. A kid who gives it his all and looks earnestly into his coaches face every. time. he plays.
But the downside to raising a sensitive boy during these times are that he is struggling. We talk about kids like they are pawns in a chess game and we can just push them in and out of school and in and out of sports when the situation calls for it, but for boys like mine, this is actual torture. For kids who thrive on routine, social stimulation, constant encouragement and a need to move their bodies this time has been torture.
He cries every single. Sunday. Right before school. His anxiety is so high, he was making himself sick the night after Christmas. “Mom, I think I am just throwing up because I am so worked up. My heart is beating so fast.”
Raising kids is not for the faint of heart, but sometimes I think I am raising a son who is too good for this shitty world we have. The first few weeks of remote learning, he opened his chrome book and then promptly closed the cover. “I hate all of this.” My sunshine, happy-go-lucky, stem loving kid was suddenly sitting at a table, navigating his learning in a kind of situational depression that Clint Eastwood might have told him to buck up too. Have you ever heard the phrase “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about?” “Stop crying like a girl.”
We need to put those phrases into the garbage disposal, like all those other stereotypical, fake masculine bull-shitty ones. My husband struggles with it too, because we were both raised to encourage boys to buck up and not cry. Ignore or work through the pain. When it finally got too much, we went to see our pediatrician who now has to to treat the whole child more than ever before. Besides commenting on how he had grown six inches and listening to his heart beat, he took the extra time to speak to me by myself about what my sensitive kid has been going through. His ups and downs and worries and sadness and it was so profound for my fourth grader. He was lifted up after this meeting.
If you have a kid like mine, I encourage you to get another person in the mix. Maybe even a whole lotta other people. Yes you can love your kid, you can listen, you can understand them better than anyone on this earth, but when we added an understanding teacher, a counselor at school (he has dubbed her his worry person), a coach who came to his football game when he was his actual basketball coach, an uncle who carves out time to spend with him even he is busy with his own young daughter, a Dad who doesn’t say buck up but instead says I’ll be there to pick you up right after school and you can do this day. All of these resources will not fix your sensitive child, because he wasn’t meant to be fixed, but they will help him deal with the inconsistencies that this world has to offer right now. These people will help him to see that boys don’t just need to be tough, they need to feel and process and yes sometimes cry. I lost a brother to mental health issues and what I wouldn’t give to go back to him and hold his shoulders and say you don’t have to be tough for this world. I would give anything to speak the words you are worth it and talking to someone costs nothing and is everything if it makes you see your worth. We need to pay attention to our kids. Especially our boys. Let’s keep sending the message during this pandemic, that sensitivity is not weakness and anxiety does not define us.