Changing Conversations

I’m 35 years old and I’ve had five or six changing conversations in my life.

What is a changing conversation you might ask? A changing conversation is a charged conversation in which you are not the same person at the other end of it and you look at people differently, but most importantly you look at yourself differently once the talking has ceased.

I had one of these conversations last summer. It began innocently enough. Joe and I were out to eat with another couple at a local restaurant. The drinks and conversations were lighthearted. I felt carefree and happy in a way that I don’t usually with other couples, because I had come to know these people well and finally felt I could be myself. At one point, my female friend asked if we could chat just the two of us outside. Instantly, my carefree attitude dropped and my chest tightened. What did she want to talk about? She must not want to be friends anymore. I must have said something wrong or stupid or awkward. Maybe there was a gang out on the patio, ready to break my glasses and video an episode of Punked-Gardiner style. If you have anxiety, you are following me. You know how your mind can go to crazy places and your self worth can plummet in a few steps. By the time we sat down at the picnic table, I was gripping my drink so tightly I thought it would implode beneath my chippy painted finger nails.

It was then that my friend pointed out a few of my blog posts, which is always a glass of cold water for me.

I sometimes forget that people read them and they aren’t just sent down a chute like a memory in Inside Out. I also forget that people might consider me to be outgoing and forthcoming, just because my writing can sometimes be. This usually leads to awkward conversations as I try to match up my confident writer sassy self and my in-person, awkward, Mom jean self.

I gulped a little more of my beverage, leaned in for the hail storm of insults that was about to ensue. Maybe she would point out my bad skin, my poor spending habits, my fashion mishaps. Instead she looked at me. Real eye contact, not fake texting bubbles, not a meme shared on social media, but a real gaze and she said I want you to know you don’t have to worry. You need to know how awesome you are and just be yourself.

I have had other people in my life give me compliments, which I accept and smile about in a people pleasing way, because I don’t want THEM to feel uncomfortable about giving the compliment and I also just want that conversation to be over, but this was different.

It is so life altering to have a friend look at you and say and mean, I SEE YOU and I see your struggle and I see your nerves and your anxiety and I want you to know you are enough and you can be absolutely yourself with me. No pretense, no conversation make up, no fake giggles.

I walked away from that conversation a different person. Sure I still start to spiral at certain times.

I question if I made the right move, if I said the right thing, but I don’t walk into a room, cringing at what I may or may not be about to do. When I sit down with a group of friends for a drink or nachos, I literally say to myself, you are enough and the people you are sitting with already know that and it has lightened my anxiety load a ton. I also give zero shittakes about trying to sit in a group of people who don’t share that mindset. I’m not about trying to be in some kind of prestige Mom group, or worming my way into some kind of social circle. I only want to get and give energy to people who SEE ME and for that reason I will always be grateful to this friend and to last summer and to that picnic table. It took 35 years to feel enough and it still takes a lot of reminders, but it was life freakin changing. So if you are reading this and have someone in the background at work or at school or on your street, stop. Look them in the face and say I see You. Because maybe they don’t see themselves. Sometimes they don’t even know where to find the mirror.