Forgiving For Yourself

I have been super into self help books lately. I have read both of the Rachel Hollis books on washing your face and stopping apologizing. Turns out I”m super good at the first book and having a little trouble complying with the second. When I was in second grade, I went to a therapist right after my parents divorced and she asked me how I was feeling about them being separated. I told her I just wanted them both to be happy and sometimes I didn’t know who to sit with while watching a softball game so I would apologize to the other one. “You know, that’s not really something to be sorry for”, she told me, sipping delicately out of her oversize mug. “Just sit where ever you want.” My baby faced self, looked up at her smiling, kneading the play dough back and forth in my palms and wanting to please her too, so I said “You are right, I will just sit exactly in the middle, that way neither one is mad”. Sigh… I don’t think that message got through to my eight-year-old self. I still apologize a crap load more than I should. For example, one time my 10-month -old daughter was being loaded into an ambulance to make a fast trip down to Portland for breathing issues and I dropped several F bombs on the paramedic, while simultaneously apologizing and making mental notes to write him appreciation cards. Another time, I attended a group movie date at Regal and I was sitting in the comfy movie chair for a good twenty minutes, all tucked in with my popcorn and sprite and a woman came over demanding that I evacuate my Regal throne. I put my tail between my legs and descended to the very back of the theatre like the street rat she thought I was. Another time , I ordered a mixed drink at a bar and apologized for screwing up the fun glitzy title of it because that wasn’t really what I wanted. The bartender said you don’t need to apologize for that, you are paying for your drink and I want to make it the way you want it. Wow? Did we just have a moment together me and bartender man? But either way, Rachel is one of my self help gals and she essentially says, own your awesomeness, stop apologizing for being awesome and having big goals and big dreams and if someone does try to step on your big dream, just expand your awesomeness, so I’m totally working on it.

The other book I started reading, is: You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. This is written by the wonderful and sassy Jen Sincero. Yes, I know the title is a mouthful, but I’m sure my friend Jen told her editor, hey I have read Rachel Hollis and her books and she said not to apologize so you can take that long title and go pound sand, but in a much more elegant way. I have taken to grabbing a beach towel, and sprawling out on the front lawn reading this “how to be a b word book” as my son calls it. He yells to my husband, “Mom is learning how to be that b swear word” and my husband yells back, “oh she already knows that.” I don’t know what exactly that deal is all about, but I am enjoying the book. One of the big notions in the book is about letting shit go and forgiving people. I needed an extra trip to Starbucks for this one. I have a hard time forgiving. One of the reasons I think, is because I am super loyal and also most of the time super kind and so when you wrong me, I just sort of put you in the shitty human being shredder and shred you up a little bit while I’m eating nachos. I know this is not healthy but hey I”m reading this book people! I once was in a meeting at work and an administrator at the time, stopped the entire meeting, mid convo to ask if it was okay if she could ask me a question and she hoped it wouldn’t hurt my feelings. Spoiler alert, whenever you say that to someone, any sensitive someone that is in your circle, it’s definitely fo sho going to hurt their feelings. I nervously told her it was okay for her to ask me said question. She then proceeded to ask me why my skin looked so bad. Now let’s all just collectively have a hissy fit over this conversation. Why do we as women comment on other women’s physical appearance in a work conversation that has nothing to do with appearance at all? Is it to shame the other person? Is it to settle the score? Is it some kind of back handed feminist garbage? Well Miss Jen Sincero suggests you do this: you picture the person who wronged you as a small child and you can see them outside sitting on their porch, having a popsicle, dressed in their scrunchies and their denim shorts and you put yourself right there, with this little innocent version of this bully and then maybe you hear adults fighting off to the side, or a sibling with medical needs and this bully never gets any attention or maybe someone verbally abusing said bully and you picture this person who has wronged you as a younger, innocent more vulnerable Dakota Fanning, the one being lugged around by Tom Cruise as a tyke and not the one taking her top off in a teen movie and all of a sudden your anger toward them will dissipate. Sincero suggests that your empathy will just take the heck over and you will be able to mind shift and forgive whatever shitty comment that ignorant assnoramous made to you. She says this will also open you up to more of the higher power, and your source energy and all that business because you will be less focused on sitting in your car looking up skin cream after a meeting , listening to Kid Rock and crying your eyes out.

I have since tried this on the above individual and it worked, I forgave her for that comment, granted I didn’t see her to forgive her, but I took down that poster in my closet , with all of the black permanent marker teeth that I gave her. I have also forgiven the boy who called me hot dog neck in high school. What I did with him was pretend he was Brucey in the Matilda Movie and all of a sudden I had a lot of empathy for Brucey being forced to eat that chocolate cake in front of the Trunchbull. I have also forgiven my kindergarten boyfriend for breaking up with me while we were enjoying our double stuffed oreos together and I additionally forgave that David’s Bridal seamstress for telling me she can subtract from the material from a dress but she can’t add to the material that is needed from the weight that I have gained. Remember, you have to picture her little, rewind that clock and suddenly someone is standing over this seamstress telling her she worthless amidst a bunch of broken beer bottles.

The hardest person I am having trouble forgiving, is that sheriff that pulled me over last year. Get over it! I’m sure you are saying. It’s been a year! But I still picture him with such red hot lava rage, that I’m having trouble bringing him to his younger more innocent self. When I try to do it, he is still wearing those same glasses, mocking me like the douche lord that he is, oh my goodness, see all the work I have to do? But I’m going to keep at it. I know I am a work in progress and I’m going to keep you guys updated on when I finally let go of my inner rage toward this man and open myself to more of that source energy that Jen Sincero raves about!