Helping Them Through the Hurt

A few months back, my son tried out for a travel basketball team and I didn’t give it too much mental space. Both of my kids have been lucky to be on a team in the past and although they are not the standout athletes of the team, they both have benefitted and enjoyed. If you have read past blog posts, then you know how Payson has had an uphill battle with anxiety. At the time of the tryout, we were sort of mid climb with it. He wasn’t sleeping well, but school seemed to be going okay and football was encouraging. A few days later, he got the call that he didn’t make the team. He handled the phone call well, at least from my vantage point. I let it simmer for a few days, as I do with all things and then I sat with him in the hurt a little bit.

What do I mean by sitting with him in the hurt? Look, I will be the first to tell you, my kid is not the best player on the team, maybe he is not even in the middle, but damn if he doesn’t give it everything. He goes up to his coach during games, he asks questions. He is very Forrest Gump about directions. If his coach tells him to do butt kicks until he reaches half court and then uppercut three players, he will do that. He is a hard worker, a grunt worker, a hearty grunt worker. So when football ended and I watched him hiding away in his bedroom, only playing on his i pad- withdrawing from other activities and friends, my heart sank even more. I complained to my husband, who nodded at my reasons, but also looked at me and said you didn’t play basketball and this is how it works.

Unfortunately for me or others, I couldn’t let it go. The bigger the circles got under his eyes, the more I stewed, the less he used the basketball hoop in the driveway, the more arguments I gleaned. Finally, I could take it no longer. I was ready to scream at someone, anyone. The poor president of the basketball board got the brunt of it. I called him on a Friday night and God bless him, he let me rant and rave about the unfairness. I think I told him I will burn Gardiner Youth Basketball to the ground at one point. What I wanted to say mid convo, and didn’t fully convey, is that I was hurt for Payson, I felt like his basketball time had been taken from him and for his mental health, it was like medicine for him, and to watch him go downhill was unacceptable for me.

In saying that, I believe in my heart of hearts that kids should not be discouraged from play until they are in high school. You might say, well you know a good player when you see one in middle school (My son is in fifth grade by the way) and that is true. But the large problem with that is that some kids, give up the sport, turn to drugs, have a baby freshman year etc. Why do we discourage kids so early? That is my beef. I also feel and you can fight me on this, but I also feel like a lot of our kids suck equally. I say this with love and a warm muffin scent wafted all around the statement, but I was watching an in house basketball game this weekend and besides a few players, the rest looked relatively equal in ability. The problem with the boys program in Gardiner (my view only, my husband said don’t include him in here. He doesn’t want hate mail) is that a lot of the boys have attitudes and ego at a very young age. They don’t listen to the coaches, they don’t pick their head up when they dribble, they never pass, swear and have bad sportsmanship. Instead of honing in the respect portion of the athlete, parents and sometimes coaches put that child on several different travel teams, where they continue this bad behavior, never really ever knowing how to play as a team and then when they get to the high school level and the coach tells them I will not allow this garbage on the court, the athlete simply quits.

In this way, I have found the girls program to achieve a lot more success than the boys in Gardiner. The girls play together in Biddie ball, share their Juicy Juice and work TOGETHER as a team as they grow and learn and feed into the high school program. Sure, some players have more talent or are more skilled, but they are not A-holey about it. They do not only drill down the court and try for that three point glory shot every chance they get.

After I ranted and raved to a very patient man, I wrote a strongly worded letter to the basketball board, stating my concerns. My husband shook his head at this. We both felt for Payson, but now it was might fight. This is where as a mom, I really had to say to myself, Am I crazy or is this fight worth it and I chose the latter. I don’t regret my decision, but I know I probably can’t do it again. What Payson was feeling, what I was feeling, was the first initial sting of watching someone I love not get picked for something they care about. I was responding (at least in my mind) to an unfairness, but also just to a fact of life. It is hard to watch your kid hurt and it doesn’t help to look at them and say, work harder, or you’ll show em next year, because the hurt is now and heavy. I found it easier to say I can see why you are down, I know you love basketball. I’m sorry you are hurting. No jokes, no minimizing the situation.

I know this kind of hurt will come again and for both my kids and I am ready for it the next time it does. I have found with Payson, that movement has to be part of his routine, like his medicine, like his counselors. If the door is closed to one kind of movement, I need to work to help him find another. Two weeks ago, I took him to Lost Valley and when he snapped into his skis and began to do that pizza down the mountain, he and I both breathed a sigh of relief. When he did the ski lift this past Friday, my heart lifted just as he described how it felt. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be angry at coaches or basketball boards or other kids because they have a thin or thick layer of ego on their jersey. I just want my kid to be happy and productive. I want his anxiety backpack to be lighter, and he can do that. He doesn’t have to wait for anyone else and he doesn’t have to be “picked” out of it. This winter has shown me that if nothing else. The next time this happens, I play on sitting with him in the hurt, but only for a little while and then finding another mountain to climb.