Highs and Lows of Marathon Training

The title of this blog may be mis-leading, but that is done on purpose. Some of the details of marathon training, will be dark or uncomfortable for you to read about, but you are not 12 and if you continue you can handle it. Another way I am misleading you is that I am not really marathon training in the fullest sense. I am half marathon training, but I read a few running books this summer that suggested I put myself up instead of put myself down when I talk about my running. For example, I went to the doctor’s yesterday and she said your blood pressure is really good and you are down 30 pounds from the last time I saw you, what are you doing?

I responded awkwardly, I am a runner, I did run, I can run, I”m doing a marathon , well a half a one. Sheepishly finishing with, sometimes I run.

But the truth is I do and it may not be as fast as I like, but it is in one forward direction and it is as important as medicine. The upsides of training for this half are that it has kept me in shape, I solve all my problems while I”m pounding the pavement and it has done wonders for my mental health. People say that they don’t get an endorphin rush when they run. I definitely do, which is the best feeling. Around mile 6, when I quit breathing like an elephant and hit my flow, I feel like someone just let out 10 pounds of stress, whispered go forth you beautiful bitch AND straitened out my ADD enough to tackle the day. It is blissful.

Those are all the upsides of running. I’m sure there are more, but you didn’t come here to just read THAT did you? Heck no? You came to hear a good laugh-out-loud , vulnerable and REAL story and I’m about to deliver. If you mention this to me in public, I will deny it, run off in a fit of rage or give you a blank stare.

The downsides of running are muscles soreness, fatigue, rage eating, but also and I don’t know that a lot of people talk about this, but belly issues. The first time I ran a half marathon, I saw a bunch of porta potties lined up and I thought hey thats weird, like why are there so many throughout the race when people are in the zone and didn’t they just pee right before? Simple, naive Taryn. Ahhh sweet ignorance. The reason for the mass porta potty situation is that so runners don’t shit their pants. I’m sorry that I wrote that so crass, but it’s true. I heard from a runner friend one time, that running so many miles, literally moved his bowels to the point where he just shit right in the woods and left his undies behind for the deer. I was appalled at this. The undies, in the leaves. This can’t be so.

Now, the nerves make sense. People are nervous before a race, maybe that creates movement, maybe they have some irritable bowel you guys. Who am I to judge? But I did judge. The fact is, I have a stomach like an ox. I eat a lot throughout the day, I handle it. Like I never need an emergency bathroom visit. I have ample notice and time to land.

But last Saturday, really rubbed that smug look off my face. This is how it began. Last Thursday I went to the grocery store. I bought some fresh beets. I love beets. I bought three of them and cooked them up with olive oil and made enough for leftovers. I had some beets with my eggs on Friday for breakfast, I brought beets to lunch with me teaching. I even had some beets for a snack after work. Look at me being all healthy, I thought to myself. Aren’t beets supposed to be like full of antioxidants? You know what else beets are full of readers? A laxative. Yes you heard me right. That evening I went on a little date night with the hubs. We headed down to the depot. We don’t eat out as much lately, on account of the budget and the budget. So this was date night. I ordered the chicken tenders and a salad and my choice drink a vodka soda (Titos only please). I always like to say Titos . This makes me feel cool and like I am someone, because in college I always just smiled and said whatever is the cheapest and then threw it up in the morning.

Now onto the worst of it, but maybe it is the best of it for you? I take off at 5:30 am running and everything is going great. First I meet my mom. We do four miles together and my muscles are feeling awesome. No tightness, hip flexors are feel great. I hit Augusta and begin to turn around. I was planning on doing 12 miles that day. At around mile 9 I begin to feel a little stomach twinge. You know the one. Where it’s like hey maybe like in the next few hours, gracefully exit to a bathroom, but like plenty of time. So I continue on in my running sneakers. By mile ten, I’m beginning to cramp up, some mild sweating, more urgency now people. I’m doing the neck spin for some kind of a bathroom, but not a porta potty you guys. Like it’s not an emergency. I have plenty of TIME. Plenty of it.

All of a sudden by mile 11, I see my neighbor and his running buddies. I am nearing the end of the rail trail and let’s just say I am not well. I am dripping with sweat. I can feel the beets and the Titos mixing together. They don’t like each other y’all. They are angry and want out. I am looking for not just a porta potty, but like a tree or a hole, even an innocent looking shrub would do. I am thinking about how cute these bike shorts were when I bought them, but my mind is aghast at what they could look like if I don’t find something. I smile weekly to my neighbor and his fast partners. They look so relaxed. So happy. They obviously skipped the beets and the Titos. They probably don’t even drink the night before a long run.

All of a sudden I make it through the trees and right before we have a shit in the street situation, I see a porta potty by Hannaford. Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, I am running towards it. Once I see it, it almost makes it worse, the sensation. I am gripping and clenching and praying to make it. I am somewhere between my pregnancy contractions and the worst stomach bug ever in terms of comfort, and then the angels looked down on me and opened that porta potty door and for the love of all that is holy there was toilet paper and hand sanitizer and I made it.

So there you have it. The dark side of running, the shitty end of the tunnel if you will. But don’t let it deter you. It was either the Titos or the beets or karma and I think you are undeserving of all three, so you can definitely run the mile, you can definitely run that race. Cheers and Happy running.