I book my own Christmas Gifts, Thank You Very Much.

I booked a massage for the day after Christmas. It was the best present. I had no gift card, it was just a present to myself, from the family that I do so much for. I stopped getting massages for awhile because of Covid and money reasons and a host of other things. Turns out my husband is bad at back rubs, or fakes being bad at back rubs so I had to go back and get a real one. Anyone else married to someone who puts their elbow into your back until you lose feeling in one side and then they say was it good for you? Ummm it wasn’t.

So that is where the spa comes in. I go to Mahala Day spa because I found a diamond in the rough there and now I can never leave him. I used to wait until I got gift cards to the Senator and put on the white robe and fall into the fancy pool, while faking lap swims and using all the complimentary lotions and shampoos. Now I realize a full day to yourself or even a few hours is hard to come by, but a massage should not be and so that is why I switched to Roger.

The fun part about Robert, which is his real name, and I can write it here because I’m hoping you book with him and he will change your back pain and all the bad parts of your life, is that Robert is not a talker. I mean he says five or six words the whole time you are there. WHICH I HAPPEN TO LOVE. All introverts everywhere know that the worst gift is one in which you are forced to revert to something you are not because the stylist or the therapist or the artist is a chatty Cathy. Like I go to work and have to talk, but when I’m getting the bad vibes worked up out of my back, I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to be.

And Robert, he lets me be. He says things like “same as last time right?” and “is the blanket warm enough?” Things your Gram said to you when you were five years old and she was tucking you in and offering you your sippy cup. He also works out all the knots , all of em. I don’t know how he does it in the amount of time that I go in, but I speculate at certain points he uses his forearm and perhaps swings from the rafters and uses a Renys’ snow removal shovel. Either way I’m good with it.

It is a little tricky wearing the mask during a massage. I”m not going to lie, but I have found a few masks that don’t feel like I am getting my oxygen cut off or that I am extra in a Dexter episode about to be snuffed out. Another downside, is that you may get so relaxed that you almost fall asleep but then can’t because you would miss the muscle attention and also your brain would miss the oxygen.

So my advice to you is that you schedule these visits straight away, just month after month and no one needs to know about it. No gift card begging. Just schedule it out in advance. You can go there in your jogger pants, or with your cactus legs (although of course I shave my legs for Robert because I”m a regular you guys) and just not talk and breathe in the smells of expensive relaxation and hear the fake seagulls and waves crashing in the background. So it’s time, stop asking your spouse for a shitty back rub and just go and get a real one. You are worth it. Trust me. and if you don’t trust me. Trust Robert.