Phasing In

Remember when all this Corona business started and we all ran into our homes, and closed the shutters like that scene in Santa Clause is Coming to Town. The one where young Kris Kringle is handing out toys. Then those of us who are good, decent people began cleaning and organizing and letting our kids choose their virtual academic journey. Also, those of us who would never make it on Survivor past the first round, began hoarding double stuffed oreos and making sure our wifi was in fact legit for four people. Now I remember distinctly at that time, seeing all these flatten the curve posts, stay away now so you can hug later posts. I didn’t share them, because I was busy with the oreos and the Netflix, but I nodded my head in subservient agreement. I am a dutiful broad, ready to fight the good fight. But that was March… and now , well , we are almost in May peeps (insert buggy eyed emoji here).

Yesterday, my whole family, minus the dog, loaded into a car that I guess we have in the garage although I haven’t seen much of it lately and we drove in a basketball birthday parade to celebrate one of Nat’s basketball teammates, who looked equal parts adorable and ecstatic to have us drive by, honking our horns, showering her with balloons and posters. At one point a garbage truck tried to overtake us, and I looked at him like buddy we are not up to the state house protesting, we are celebrating a pre teen and her birthday, so you best back the f down. After the drive by, a few cars congregated in the high school parking lot, and the girls sat on the roof of our cars and screamed to each other. My heart hurts for them. I am worried at some point, we are going to hit a Footloose, Kevin Bacon moment. We are telling these kids they can’t dance, and I think this summer they will find a way to dance I tell you! I totally understand why we need to do and protect and stay in and protect and mask and protect , I truly get it, but last week I heard whispers of phasing in. Imagine my confused expression last night, when the president was talking about injecting each other with disinfectant. Umm huh? I thought we were phasing in. I also watched Janet Mills give a speech of her roll out plan, which sounding like Kelly Kapoor basically telling Ryan how to live his best life, and by that I mean she said nothing at all.

I don’t care how it happens, but I need a date, I need a goal, something to look forward to if you will, so an all around Footloose doesn’t happen. I can control my house, but we have some wack ass crazy nut jobs in this state and pretty soon, they are going to be cutting the tape at the end of their driveway, and running full tilt down the road, sans bra and in broken crocks, tripping over twisted tea containers that rolled into their paths. We need a plan people!

Now I know I have absolutely zero authority, but let’s say just a few businesses open up. I don’t want to write the rules for anyone, but I would like to start with my kids’ orthodontist. You might say I have an investment there. I would be pleased as punch if he only let three kids in a day, and I had to stand out in the parking lot and he just checked on the wires and shit. Heck, even if he opened his window and she stood on the other side and he Jack Sparrowed it with a looking glass and just gave her a once over. Or if my hair dresser would open up and just one member of my family were allowed to go once a month and rotate us out. Maybe a last name system where G-K last names could go and sit in the book store or the library. I just want to be one with the coffee and the book smell people. Also open up the waterfront if residents can behave themselves and also someone cut down all the trees at the park on Earth Day, but maybe a few of us can walk around there. What about a rendezvous to the beach? Could this be arranged? I will carry my own chair, I will spray it with lysol, but not at the seagulls. I will share zero lays potato chips. I will dutifully burn my own skin to poison the virus and trip anyone with a golf club who gets too close to my beach. towel. If some one tries to breath on my offspring I will punt them off into the puckies, where you know they will be quickly overtaken by the black flies, and the death beetles. See how choreographed and non-violent this can be?

If I’m going to be honest, I don’t know how those trampoline parks are going to open back up. I think companies will need to hire people that are over the age of 12 and get some real honest to god Clorox Wipes this time. I am not a germaphobe, but I really cringe at that place when my son makes me go and toddlers are jumping into foam pits where they have literally lost their soiled pull ups. I think Dr. Shah really needs to consider not just the PPE but the LPUOS (lost pull ups oh shit) locations. That goes for you too, YMCA, if y’all are going to rip open the doors, we need to double down on cleaning those family locker rooms, more sanitizing wipes for the spin room than just the t shirt I discarded when I got overheated. But for reals, I do hope this phasing in process can involve me going to a campground , feeling safe to sit on a blanket under fireworks, picking strawberries a long distance away from another human or robot (because they are about to take over soon I think). If I can’t get to Regal, can someone tell me how to get to that Drive in that is in Skowhegan and that will give me my fix for a minute. Maybe one summer camp for each of my kids? Maybe it has to happen outdoors? Under ultra violet lights ? like Trumpy suggests? Let’s just start making plans for something, anything. When the people come to dance, we want to give them a good show, and we don’t want anyone holding hands!