Shopping for the Right One

Some days it is hard to think of new writing material, because a lot of what I get for writing material is through the living material and also through judgement and a sarcastic inner monologue. So this particular piece is going to surround dress shopping. Not your cup of tea you might say? I could argue that we all have a stake in trying something on that makes us look like a half eaten jumbo marshmallow and being observed while doing it. Actually, that is a lie. I don’t know how men go and try things on. Is it a group effort? Do they squeeze into dressing rooms, with their man parts hanging out left and right, only to stand on a pillar of wood afterwards and spin in a circle for the whole world to see, while said clothing cuts their circulation off? Do they then have to go to a side street to visit a seamstress who will ask them if they want their girls to look good or not, and she is not a magician, and pay in the jar when you leave.

If this is not the case for you men folk, then I will now let you in on a secret on the journey for the rest of us. It begins this way, at least it does for me. My sister announced to me that it was time for dress fittings for her upcoming wedding. Now I have been in several weddings, I am not an expert by any means, but I know how to have a good time and say yes to the dress. And so we met up for breakfast to start. This is an important custom for those of you have not tried on dresses recently. You always want to meet up first and just really carb load. I mean really go at it. I’m talking pancakes, coffee with creamer, omelets with salsa (watch out for digestive issues here, you don’t want to be that girl in the Bridesmaids movie, out there shitting in the street), but the point is to just really have a good time. I like to call this the last breakfast if you will. Then when you walk into whatever dress establishment you decide on, do not and I mean do not be overwhelmed by the amount of people in there. On this particular day, my sister was greeted by an enthusiastic woman named Beth (name change for her protection). Upon meeting Beth, I knew she was going to make this day happen for us, regardless of any unforeseen circumstances. Beth is one of those women who looks like they can change a tire for you while simultaneously sleeping with your husband. She looks like witchcraft is what she looks like, but she sized up my sister and asked for a few opinions. We then began tagging dresses, which is to say we pulled out the dresses that Amy was interested in (obviously the hot ones) and then low and behold , from behind us came another group of bridezillas and they start tagging and untagging dresses. I guess they didn’t read the fine print on being a decent human in a dress fitting store, but it was my duty as one half of Amy’s maid of honor gals to give the dirtiest look that a person can give. Phew that was uncomfortable.

Now on to try those suckers. We discovered when Amy went into the fitting room that space was slim in Davids bridal and we only had one dented ugly metal chair for the ten of us. Naturally, this made my mother go out of her freakin mind. For those of you who know my mother, she is the kindest, sweetest, smartest person you have met, but girlfriend wants a chair when she wants a chair if you know what I mean. She is a little diva about chairs and diet cokes and after that she is pretty good. So she let our Beth know, about the lack of chairs in a way that only Denise can let them know. Needless to say, we got more chairs. We sent Jess into the fitting room with Amy. If you are wondering why we sent Jess, it is because Jess is a brutally honest gal, who will trip other brides to get the podium you want and will also make your girls look nothing short of perfection. I’m not kidding, she has adjusted and glittered my upper half so that I look like I could be an extra in that Hustlers movie. So yes, we sent Jess in with her and my sister came out and did the spin on the podium thing and she didn’t have her smile that said this is it yet. Its uncomfortable, when you don’t have the it dress is it not? You second guess yourself, like is it me? Did someone turn up the heat in this place? Why are there so many layers? But then we had our ahhhhh moment, our beauty school drop out moment , where we knew that it was the dress for her. Beth demanded that we cry, she told us all it was natural to cry. We know Beth we said. We are just not on demand criers and so Beth needed to be dealt with accordingly. After that things got a bit sketch, a bit awkward because the place was so packed that Beth wasn’t sure if we could then do our bridesmaid fittings.

After a few moments of confusion, we finally settled on the fact that we could choose our bridesmaid dresses, but we would not be assisted in anyway by the staff or facility. To my dear readers I say, this is absolutely fine everyone. After you have been in four plus weddings, you do not need to have size 2 Kimmy following you around asking what cut of dress you prefer. If you are only five foot three, with athletic legs and a small chest, I can tell you what kind of dress you need. You need a floor length dress, with a one shoulder cut out , to make you look like the sexy Greek Goddess that you are. This will work every time for you. If you are larger chested or taller , than you are on your own. I have no idea what you do, but for those of you who are vertically challenged, please join me in embracing these dresses. All you have to do is eat one cookie instead of two at dessert time, skip the whipped cream at fielders choice for the summer, switch to selzter and vodka instead of wine two months before the wedding and voila you are going to fit into that dress like the queen that you are.

We ended up leaving Davids Bridal, three maybe four hours after we arrived and I can’t wait to show off my beautiful sister this October at her wedding. There will be no bride on this green Earth that is more beautiful, more deserving or more ENTERTAINING on their wedding day, than my partner in crime growing up. Don’t believe me? Keep subscribing to read the next journey.