Shopping With a Mask

I hadn’t grocery shopped since the beginning of March, that was until Tuesday evening. Tuesday evening, I really pulled myself up by the you know what and I decided it’s time, it’s TIME to go into Hannufids. My husband and Walmart-To-Go and my wine monthly box have really been there for me during my asthma induced pandemic. However, I could feel that it was time for me to take charge in filling the fridge that will no doubt give out in a few days. Also, there is something about needing a list that really rubs me the wrong way. Joe always says give me a list and put the list on the app in your phone and I didn’t get it because it wasn’t on the list and plus then there is Walmart that also wants the list, but then Walmart creates there own list because they don’t have the shit that you put on the list in the first place. I am not a list person. I am one of those people who likes to go into the grocery store and say I think I will bake a chocolate cake, and then get caught looking at avocados for forty five minutes and wonder if I can steal the Chipotle recipe. I’m very distractible, like a little squirrel. But I don’t like being cornered into a box with my list, I don’t enjoy being held to the list, least of all entering it into the phone. Plus, has anyone else’s husband taken your carefully choreographed shopping list that has watermelon, milk and bread on it and they come home with one box of wheat thins and eight cans of french style green beans?

One of my trepidations about going into the grocery store is not really the virus. although I know that should be my worry, but it is the arrows. I have heard about the arrows saying go this way, and do not ride this ride if you are not a certain height and I had also heard rumors that when you enter the grocery store, I will have to choose which faction I will go into and I don’t know if I’m ready to CHOOSE! It doesn’t sound like these arrows are meant for the squirrel shoppers, who don’t really have a plan, but love food and love buffet lines and get confused very easily. Also, I’ve been getting real real nervous in my mask, sometimes I feel like it is saran wrap, just really shutting off the old air supply and slowly stamping out my existence. Now that you know all my worries, but you have also read my other posts, you know I worked up the courage. You know I drove all the way, clear to the Augusta Hannaford at 7 pm at night, to ensure less people would be there and I spent twenty minutes positioning my mask just so using my car mirror. I also watched like a creepy stalker, at people who were coming in and out of Hannaford. Ohhhhh, Lucy with the frizzy hair didn’t wear her mask in, STEP DOWN LUCY BOOOOO. No really, I don’t care what people wear, but I don’t want to get into trouble, that is another one of my fears, is that two out of shape 16-year-old males will grab me by the elbows, swiping the salt and vinegar chips out of my hands and shove me into my Highlander, leaving behind one blue flat, and one ripped mask. I have really dark visions about it.

So I finally got out of my car. I parked and I got out and I began walking toward the entrance and I see all these fold up signs in the entrance. It looked like someone was going to begin a petting zoo judging on all the different fenced in areas that were created. As I took my sanitized cart, thank you lysol, thank you Hannaford, I noticed that someone shouted a number. I was so terrified at being hauled off, I don’t remember the number, but it really gave me a sense of privilege when they gave it to me. I really puffed up like a peacock after that. Number 518 is coming through, whats up bitchesssss. But after entering the muffin section, I looked around and was surprised and relieved to find out that in the entire store there were 12 total other customers. Phew, big sigh of relief. I look down at the ground and no arrows. No arrows everyone, I am home free. I was like a kid in the candy store. I had become so sick of the cans of green beans, I took my left hand and dumped two aisles of produce into the cart. I was buying double of everything, steak tips, Mickey Mouse ice cream bars, and because of the no arrows, I was just circling that shit, circling the store like a security guard at a concert.

This also allowed me to do a ton of people watching, which is by the way my third favorite thing and I love to watch guys shop in general, but especially guys in a pandemic, that have obviously never shopped in their 54 years of life. We are talking no cart, no basket, one hand on the twisted tea box and in their left hand, they are holding something to appease their wife, like a box of spaghetti, something to clean the house with, so a no name bottle of dish soap and then something really off the wall and arbitrary that is going to feed zero people dinner, like a container of cashews. Said 54-year-old man is struttin that grocery aisle, like they just discovered the cure for cancer, or how to make telemarketers lose their voice. I also love the ones, who are walking around eyes glued to their phones and you KNOW they hate their wife right now, like you know damn well they have been spending way too much time together and they are cursing her through the phone, but they have that box of tampons, a bag of Kit Kats, and a bottle of extra strength Tylenol just the same. Isn’t grocery shopping fun you guys? I forgot how fun it was. When I was finished and I had that cart filled to the freakin brim, I wasn’t sure about the protocol of checking out. I know I should be because I have 38478375 emails that say this is how we made such and such store safe, you ARE WELCOME. BUT, I have read zero of those emails. Mostly because they are kind of a bummer and I am bummed enough. So what I did, was give Gerald plenty of space in front of me and I didn’t load anything, not even a granny smith apple, until Gerald was loaded completely into his cart and his card had been accepted. Then I began to load. I felt pretty proud of myself at this moment. I was doing it, with the non arrows, with the mask that Ashley made me, I was basically running that store. The divider between the cashier and the customer did freak me a bit, I felt like it was sound proof for some reason, like I was going through a car wash. So I yelled very loudly, “HOW ARE YOU!! HAS IT BEEN BUSY TODAY”. I sounded exactly like James Earl Jones in all of his movies. The cashier was super understanding and she just nodded supportively. She must get morons like me in there all the time. By the time I left that exit door and headed to my car and was officially uncounted, I found I had a newfound braveness for this Covid world.