Stud Finder
I am here reviewing another program that will change your life. I have tried it out and spent the money so that you won’t have too. By the end of this program, you will look like me, a waifish super model, barely able to be distinguished from a twig in the back yard. What is this program you might ask? It’s called Nine Week Control Freak. Another program by the gorgeous and strong Autumn Calabrese and the platform known as Beach body .I have done her 80 Day Obsession Program at least six solid times. I have chiseled these abs and then eaten a nice warm brownie and unchiseled them. I have bought her bands and her t-shirts. I have done her bear crawl in the middle of a campground out of blind commitment to her.
That is why I blindly purchased this new program. Nine weeks. 100 dollars. boom. Done. Oh wait, I can’t get all the equipment for 100 dollars? What’s that, I need to spend fifty more for the rest of the equipment? Where is Joe’s credit card, sign me up.
And then. It came in the mail. All the stuff. Now this is my primary beef with Autumn. If I could talk to Autumn face-to-face, I might say to her. What the hell Autumn? Why you gotta assign so many bands? What’s with this step here? How the heck do I adhere the strap on the back of the door so that people on Dennis Street want a ticket to the gun show?
And that is when a marital battle ensued. I have been married just long enough, but I am also insanely sensitive, that the war cries could be heard from the surrounding neighborly neighbors.
My first mistake was that I went and got my husband and threw all of this equipment at his feet and said “put this up for me.” My husband went and got his Tim the Tool Man tool box and grumbled the whole time, sifting through the cheap, workout equipment, assembled in China and worth 3 dollars and then he informed me that we could not put the straps on the door. Upon seeing my look of horror, we had this exchange:
“If you don’t put the strap on the door, I won’t be able to do Autumn’s moves and if I can’t do Autumn’s moves, I won’t be able to shock my body into weight loss and if I don’t shock my body into weight loss, I will eat more and if I will eat more , I will be unable to battle my next round with Rona.”
“Taryn, your office doesn’t have real doors. So if you are really reefing on these bands, you are going to rip the whole door down.”
“That would never happen, I weight 75 lbs. At the very least, the door might experience a hairline crack, but that’s it.”
-Shakes Head-
“Okay then, just put in on the wall, the straps can also go on the wall.”
Joe- ” I guess I have to go get my stud finder.”
Me: “We don’t have time for a true stud finder. I guess we could watch half of Magic Mike, or the trailer to a few Nicholas Sparks movies, maybe the last episode of Bridgerton.”
Joe: “Good God Taryn no, it’s a tool so I can put it in the wall.”
At this time, Joe proceeded to stud find and then motioned for me to hand him some kind of metal carabiner piece that Autumn obviously forgot to send me and with empty hands, I proceeded to throw my hands up and shout about the lack of sturdy doors in this town and also chivalry. I wish I could review this program for you further. But it turns out I was unable to find the stud I needed to do the dang job. If you have a stud at your home, who got you started, please let me know what you think of it. Did I spend 150 dollars for a body that just can never be? Are my doors doomed? Please sound off with your comments on this matter.