The Heartbreaking Mess of Parenting Teenagers
The other day I was reading something that essentially said teenagers are programmed to hate their parents until they are 24. The reason for this, is that back in the day, you didn’t want brothers and sisters dating, or any episodes of Cousins: the Love is Blind edition. For this reason, teenagers are essentially built to despise their house mates, right up until they are kicked out of the house. I read that and I thought hot damn, 24 is a long time to go. I don’t even know if I’ll like these kids by then. Like. at all.
My daughter is now 14, which is not 13 any more I will tell you that. My son is going to be 12 in August. My daughter has always seemed 36, so I think her transition has been easier on me. When she pulled away from me, it felt someone normal. The heartbreaking part of her journey is that as her mom, I continuously want the world to bend around her being and protect her heart more and to be frank, it just doesn’t.
At 14, there really aren’t many battles I can fight for her. I have to give her the tools to fight them herself and that is the hard part. Recently she was playing basketball and she pulled a muscle. She panicked and asked to come off the court. At half time, she ran to lobby and stared at me asking me what to do. I looked at her and said you are at the age now, where you need to decide. Is this something I go to the side and stretch out, is this something I go to urgent care for, or is this something where I sit out the game, because it just doesn’t feel right and I”m not sure. I used to make the decisions for her, but now I have to look at her and say, you know your body. I’m only going to back you up on the part where you do the knowing. Gone are the days of kissing a boo boo and getting the sparkly band aids.
There is a positive spin on that too. Sometimes watching sports when your kids are four and five, is adorable, but also fairly ridiculous. You pay for karate and your five year old, did the same punch to the gut the week prior on his cousin. Only now you can’t afford to pay CMP. At 14, when she goes to track practice, she is timing herself on her watch. When she race walks, I think to myself, I wish I looked that strong at anything I did in my life ever. I fall in love with her work ethic, her drive, her belief in herself. For a spread of ten minutes, I forget that she orders different shampoos and only uses half of the bottle, that she leaves crusty dishes in her bedroom and brings them down four days later. The only thing I see, is that friendship may be hard sometimes for her, boys are confusing , homework can suck. But she looks like one beast of animal doing that.
What no one tells you about when you are raising kids at four and five, is that other kids will hurt the beejeezus out of them and there is nothing you can do. No one warns you at what to say when they aren’t invited and they won’t be like a lot. No one tells you what to do when other middle school kids send pictures, ask for pictures, screen shot conversations. You will look at the devices you bought them, that you thought they had to have to make friendships and wonder if it is only a vehicle for them to see the places they aren’t invited to, for them to see models they will never look like, for them to experience social situations before they are even ready and even worse, for them to experience a false sense of security on how many friends they have. A friend is not just a snap chat conversation. My best friend, I’m convinced would not have barnacled onto me if our only bridge was social media. We are tried and true, any filter, any area code.
What can you do to raise your teen and keep your sanity? To help your daughter through this rough patch? Through middle school and the mean and the hate? My first piece of advice, don’t think for a second you are the only person that is going to help them through it. Bond them, like a glue, to several strong females that are going to buoy them up when they need it. I used to selfishly think I am the mom here , I can make it right, I can fix it. She only needs me. Now, when my daughter goes for a drive with her Nana, shopping with her Grammy, bakes cookies with Cassie, gets a coffee with my sister, makes guacamole with her auntie, asks for advice from high school seniors, texts with my best friend, nods along to her coaches advice, I feel zero jealousy. All of these strong women in her life, know that she is going to mess up, that she will absolutely fail at times and she can go to any one of them for support.
Another tidbit I have is walking. I take my kids on walks all the time. I used to get them talking driving, but that has been harder lately. When we walk, they begin with something superficial and then get into what is really bothering them. Sometimes it is Joe that is bothering them and I listen to that too, throw him under the bus for a second and I’m sure he does the same to me. I used to go and try for a Danny Tanner moment, I would perch awkwardly on the edge of their bed, or on their gaming chair. This is not to be recommended. They always glare at me like one of the others when I do that. It is an invasion on their space and their down time. I find walking to be a happy medium where they are at one point talking about chicken nuggets and at the next corner talking about middle school lunch and the friend who has been acting odd lately.
My son has always been an awesome conversation starter, but lately those are harder to come by. He goes in his bedroom, cranks Drake and puts his gaming head set on. He has a girlfriend, but I’m not really supposed to talk about that and he only comes up to me for food requests and particular kinds of deodorant or axe spray. Sometimes I forget, the unspoken rule that he’s pulling away from me and I go to hug him after a game, or kiss the top of his head when he has a friend over. After all, middle school is the time of Am I doing this right? As a parent you want to say, no one is doing it right, just do what feels comfortable, wear what suits your style, play what sport you love, but you can’t say that. You have to watch them go into a gym awkwardly before they find a friend to sit with, you have to watch them cry and be ashamed for crying when ten months ago they sobbed like a baby. You have to watch them stop playing with their favorite toys and games and mutter swear words under their breath and then say sorry Mom. It is a weird and bewildering time. People don’t talk about this transition enough. They just remark, don’t blink, it goes by quick.
This is true. It does go by quick, but I blink a lot because I can’t stand the smells, or the glares or hear myself think when the music is on. Sometimes I blink and I am holding their hand before that bus ride on the first day of school. Sometimes I blink when they say thank you Mom and I get an almost hug when I buy them a new pair of shoes and I would buy them another if the hug would last longer. I get selfishly caught in that transactional limbo with them needing me financially, but not as much physically as they used too. Teenagers are a funny kind of alien most days and I’m not sure where the space ship is landing.