The Perfect Mattress

Last week we got a new mattress. The whole shebang. I had a lot of nervous energy because my husband ordered it through the mail and previous to this, we had the other mattress for 13 years and I had sprawled out on every mattress at Fortin’s Home Furniture to figure it out. That is really my process. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty. I also really like to heckle with the furniture salesperson at the end. Like ohhh, 1,000 dollars seems like a lot for this bed, what about you throw in a headboard and two sofas and we will call it a deal. They always end up saying no, but still the process is fun. So any who, our mattress, I don’t want to say something was wrong with it, but something was definitely wrong with it. In it’s prime, it had the perfect pillow top foaminess and promoted sleeping in a healthy fashion, but as of late, it had this dip in the middle, like the Grand Canyon, but if you got too close to that center marker, you would just roll right off to the side and onto the floor. It also had absorbed so many DDT’s from husband and my son that if anyone abruptly got up from the bed in the middle of the night to go the bathroom, the other person would also feel the ripple effect from the Grand Canyon Center and fall in Alice in Wonderlands’ crazy tunnel.

Toward the end of March, when other people began redoing their kitchens and repainting their dining rooms, my husband and I looked at each other and said we need some home improvement in here and we started with the notion of improving our sleep, which I could argue is just as important, if not more so. I left Joe to do the task of picking out an online bed and sure enough Nectar began following him around on his facebook feed, as all stage five clingers do. It was Nectar this , Nectar that, our Nectar guarantee. The fact that facebook has figured out a way to have companies listen to what Joe and I say to each other and then infiltrate their marketing just so on our couch potato lives, does not bother me. I have listened to people who say, doesn’t it bother you, someone from the government could be behind your tv screen just listening to what you say to each other and then planning accordingly? Ummm no, if there is someone listening from our flatscreen in the living room, then GOD HELP THEM. All they are hearing is arguement over what take out we will do, a lot of yelling about our favorite tv shows, one kid accusing the other kid of entering her Roblox game without permission, and if I”m going to be honest, a lot of giggling at Schitt’s Creek episodes. So government, facebook, if you want to spy on this family, have at it, I will be your next reality star and also please come do my hair if thats the case.

So yes, Joe just went ahead and ordered the bed. A King size! Are you sure? I asked him. The problem with couples who essentially get married as freshman in high school, is that they always sort of have that white trash mentality. This is further compounded if you grow up in West Gardiner (fist bump) and you just never really feel like you should be invited to the Finer Things Club. After a few weeks of nothing happening, which by the way is one of the cons of Nectar, we received…. drum roll please…. the pillowcases. Isn’t that exciting everyone? Two brand new king size pillowcases! One week after that, the ol’ box spring rolled in. One week later, the mattress arrived. It came in a huge blue mess of cardboard contraption. It was indescribably beautiful, the neighbors were delighted by the glow of electric sex gleaming the window. Sorry, I love that movie. But yes, the box arrived and somehow, some company, had squished that king size mattress into a box that looked like it had been beat to crap by the drug cartel, or at least that the Fedex man had a punching match with it.

Now one of our marriage deals with getting the new bed, was that my husband would eliminate the old bed. Because this is another reason for the furniture store people, I always like to lean forward, with the best cleavage I can muster and say, you are going to take the old one away right (when I’m buying a new washing machine, bedside stand, cup of dignity) and they always nod begrudgingly. But this time, there was no one to take it away, so that someone was my husband. He then said he needed my help. I hate that line, it is one of the worst lines of the universe. It always ends up with him asking me to lift something that no 5 foot 3 woman on this Earth could ever lift, and then I ask for a break and inevitably drop it on his foot. We did somehow manage to get the mattress into the living room, where it sat for three days, serving as a glorified dog bed for my 13-year-old chocolate lab who certainly deserves it. After that I dragged it out on porch because my husband still hadn’t resolved the issue and my neighbors of Terri Lane hauled it off. Something about it breaking a code and being a violation of the road agreement?

Once the new bed was assembled, which my husband states really was a very easy Frankenstein piece together, we stood at different corners of the room admiring this piece of beauty. We read the manual that said to wait 24 hours before sleeping on it. Now come on with that Nectar. 24 hours. That is like offering me a no bake cookie and saying, now look at it on the table for 24 hours, but DO NOT take a bite. Ohhhh we sleeping on the damn thing. We are really think ahead people, so we were a little miffed when the sheet set did not fit the king sized bed from Nectar, but we are super adaptable people, so one extra long queen sized set of sheets and two full comforters later, the bed was made. Now we are two weeks out of owning this new contraption, so I am going to give you my full review of this sleep giant, and then you can make your own decisions for your sleeping needs. Remember as always, that no one is paying me from Nectar, but I am watching my google analytics to see if that can change in the future. Nectar if you are reading this, give me a call and we can work something out. Here is your pro and con list.

Pro:

-Affordable price + coupon code

-Followed me around on facebook/ Demanded a first date

-Easy to Assemble

– You will not feel your partner moving around or getting in and out of bed. Joe likes this the best, because I go pee 3878784 a night and he is not pitched onto the floor anymore.

-Temp control: The bed has some sort of magical temp control manufactering, so you don’t wake up sweating to death or with your teeth clattering.

-The bed does not dip when someone gets into it, no matter how many scoop chips you have eaten.

-The headboard looks nice and pleasing to the eye. The sort of headboard one would want when someone house sits, that shouts “we have made it” to the outside world.

-You have 365 days to make your decision as to if you love this bed or not. Now that is a guarantee!

-If you are a back sleeper, this will change your life and align you in all the ways that you should be aligned.

Cons:

-We had to put it together ourselves.

-We had to lift it ourselves.

-Waiting 24 hours to lay on the thing. I waited 3.

-The pillows are like a training bra for a real pillow. Buy your own pillows instead.

-It ships separately, like really separately.

-If you are a stomach/side sleeper hybrid, you may still be experiencing lower back pain after two weeks of the bed. Please consider other factors in your life, namely: are you dead lifting correctly? Should you really have lifted said bed? Is the stress in your life consuming you?

I hope this review helps you make the life altering decision of buying a Nectar bed or not. I am always trying to offer you life saving tips on being a better/ but still sarcastic person and sleep is just that important. Please be sure to comment on your own reviews of your individual sleep study. Be well and rest easy!