Virtual Meetings Suck

I haven’t written on my blog for three, no maybe four days. I’m sure no one has noticed, but I felt the twitch. I have missed the keyboard, the pat pat pat of words into the universe. The release of all that is wrong in the world into some one else’s device.

I haven’t been writing for a few days because I have been trying to close out my classroom and what does that even mean in these dark times? I’ll tell you what it means, it means the past four days have sucked the big one. This is not anyone’s fault. The trainings were not bad, the schedule was not ill intended. This is just my own personal take on the suckiness of the suck of the universe.

One element that always needs to happen before the end of the year is the closing of the files and the communication to next year’s teacher. This felt so odd, because I am closing a file to a year that is not really finished right? and I am describing a kiddo to their teacher next year in a tone that a Mom uses when they are not ready to leave Lizzy at toddler daycare. It is also heart wrenching to say I got a kiddo all the way to a level such-and-such in reading, but then I’m not sure about what happened between March and June. It feels so soul sucking to say I’m not sure about what happened, when that is my job to make sure something happened.

And then. The meetings. I am terrible at virtual meetings I have decided. I thought that I was bad at regular workshop meetings, I thought that I was distracted more than most, but virtual meetings have heightened this to a whole new level. First of all, there is no food, NO FOOD. I once wrote on a survey at the end of an in-person-conference, why don’t you try getting some muffins that aren’t stale. I know I’m a terrible person for writing that, but professional development should have snacks because it is hard to get focused and it can also be terrible. So that is problem number one with virtual trainings, no way to soothe your emotional soul with emotional eating.

The second problem with virtual pd is that the get-to-know-you part should just be skipped. I HATE, with bold, bright pink letters, walk and talks, and turn and talks and introduce yourself greetings. I am sure there is something wrong with me that I feel this way, but there is nothing more painful than doing a jigsaw and being forced to converse with people I don’t know, on a subject I have had a hard time paying attention too. It is like some weird version of online dating, without the dating and without the eye contact. When I began one training, I thought well we can’t meet in those little groups, they can’t force us to talk if we don’t want too, HAHA universe. No. They can. It’s called break out groups y’all! And it’s a thing. The facilitator can place you into “random” groups and leave you there for fifteen minutes to stare at each other and make random small talk. I lucked out and knew a few people in my break out group, so the pain was minimized, but I did think to myself the whole time, even virtual meetings can impose on my social anxiety…

The other challenge or obstacle, depending on which self help book you are reading is how fast it goes. I don’t know if I have adopted a slower reaction time during co-vid or what, but just when the trainer would say okay everyone turn to page 113 in our new math program, I would look up and she would already be moved on to the next level of discussion. I did glean that in our new math program, all the teachers start out in units, but the units have lessons and the lessons have units, but don’t forget the units have progressions and the progressions have a mathematical manifest and also the hills have eyes. Have I lost you yet? I got lost in the first fifteen minutes. I turned to my co-worker Tracey and mouthed what in the actual ?????. I think my audio was turned off, I hope my screen was not being viewed, but it was a struggle for me from start to finish. It left me feeling frustrated with myself, technology and life. When I filled out the survey for the gal that put it on, all I really wanted to write was, I miss talking in person, I miss not being muted, I miss the damn muffins. Instead I wrote something like you are fabulous, I am struggling, we are all doing our best.

I also go back and forth with turning my camera on or of. I want it to be on, because I want to be present and polite and dutiful, but I want it to be off because then the other staff can’t hear me mouth, no electronics for a week to my eight-year-old and they also can’t see me cry into my iced coffee, or say I don’t want your life, Varsity Blue style, into the open window of my messy classroom. The presenter always starts the meeting by saying, I would love to see everyone’s faces, but also I would like you to take care of yourself in whatever way that looks like. Instantly, ten boxes go dark. Oh. It is just so hard for the camera to be on isn’t it? We are all just muddling through, showing up, but then feeling like what does this new world even look like? Let’s plan for a school year that we don’t know about yet. Let’s drive a car with no GPS, no brakes and no steering fluid. I did my best these past workshop days. I complained a lot, laughed a lot, ate a lot of taco salad, but I did reach the overall consensus, that sometimes virtual meetings just suck and I miss people, I miss MY people.